Saturday, November 1, 2008

Shake the Dust off My Feet

In the end there is, always, the leaving.
Today I was once again, sadly, reminded that people, even people I look up to and admire, will always let me down and disappoint me. That people are never truly who I think they are. That fact always surprises me, because I always in my heart want to have great hope for other people, I do not want for them to let me down. And yet, most people in some way or another, do.
That is not their fault, of course. That is the nature of human beings. I let people down. They let me down. Its what we do to each other.
Its a fact I need to let go of and move on.
The only One who will never, ever let me down is Jesus, the only One who will never leave me, forget me, the only One who never changes, never leaves, and is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow. Thank God for that.
Today I cleaned out my classroom. I have poured 13 years of my life, and thousands of hours of overtime, into my job as a special education teacher. I have worked on report cards on New Years Eve when I should have been at a party. I've worked on yearbook as its editor (no help, no yearbook committe, no stipend) on Christmas Day/ New Years Day/ Valentine's Day all by myself. For many years I have spent well over $1,000 a year (I'm afraid to make estimations, because I know its way more than that) of my own money on buying materials, food, and clothing for my students to make sure they had what they needed.
Yet today while cleaning out my classroom I had three people from the district watching me, scrutinizing my every move, taking notes and looking at checklists, to make sure I didn't steal anything that belonged to the district.
As though I have suddenly lost my educator code of ethics, my Christian values, and everything I have ever believed in.
This disappointing day just serves as confirmation that I did the right thing by getting out of the educational field for a while. I needed a break in so many ways.
It made me so sad, that while I gave them everything I had, in the end they saw me as nothing more than a potential thief.
So I must let go, once again, of the admiration I once held for my bosses, my district, my illusions that I held that as a teacher, other people would see me as Someone. Something. A Teacher.
Not necessarily.
As Jesus said in Mark 6:11:
11And if any place will not welcome you or listen to you, shake the dust off your feet when you leave, as a testimony against them."
So I must again leave a place that I have loved.... which I have done so many times this year, and God knows how difficult it is for me to do but I know He has me do it because its for my own good, but why exactly does it have to be so damned HARD?...
And here I go AGAIN....
But coming. Because I have to leave the old place in order to move on to the new place. So I go.


Kindy said...

Change is not always easy, but is always necessary. It sounds like you're making a choice that is for your own ultimate good.

LaƩrcio Miranda said...

I am professor of history in Brazil here. I understood a little that you wrote in English. e would like to leave this versicle with you. A righteous man may have many troubles, but the Lord delivers him from them all; he protects all his bones, not one o them will broken. Psalm 34: 19,20

beauty said...

I hate change myself, and it does always seem so incredibly hard. But I know in my heart it's one of the ways in which we are refined, and made more into God's image.

You are brave to break all ties with what you've been doing as a means of employment for 13 years. That takes a lot of faith and courage.

I wish you the best as you begin this new journey, an adventure of sorts as you discover God's creativity in providing you with all you need in this world.

(You're right that Jesus is the only one who won't ever let us down.)