I'm having a hard time right now. Missing my family, missing how things used to be, wanting things I apparently can't have or at least are not in God's will for me right now, wishing for things and not getting them. I've been nervous and anxious lately, looking for answers and not finding them; acting up, acting out, looking inward, pacing the living room, getting on my knees and talking to God.
This has been a very, very hard year for me. My hardest ever. My year where some of my worst fears came true. My learning year. My seeking year. My growing year. My falling apart, falling down, falling over but only halfway getting up year. My year of losing things I loved dearly and not finding them again, of picking up new things that I didn't know I had all along. The year I lost things and people I loved. The year an ache started to grow again in my heart that I'm waiting for God to take away.
Through all my sleepless, endless nights, I hold on to these verses which have become dear to my heart:
That God Himself has said-- I will not in any way fail you nor give you up nor leave you without support. I will not, I will not, I will not in any degree leave you helpless nor forsake you, nor let you down, nor relax my hold on you-assuredly not. Hebrews 13:5 (Amplified)
and this one...
My God is able to carry out His purpose and do SUPERABUNDANTLY far and above all that I dare ask or think-infinitely beyond my highest prayers, desires, thoughts, hopes, or dreams. Ephesians 3:20 (Amplified)
I pray that the God who knows the secret desires of my heart will understand this post far more than what I can explain... and someday... set things right.