I have nothing profound or really even thoughtful to say today.
I just need to write. There are a lot of people who write to me thanking me for making me think, or for helping them draw nearer to God, or giving them hope, and things like that. Today I just need to be my pathetic human self, and hope for the best.
Today I need God to show up for me.
I am desperate for God.
Always seeking Him, but sometimes more than others, this week has been one of those weeks where I find myself once again hungry for Him. There is nothing in particular going on in my life causing this. A small medical worry, and some bills I need help paying, but really, that isn't anything new. I have nothing really that I can complain about. Things are going just fine, really. I truly have a good life, and I am blessed. There are things from my life that still hurt pretty deeply, but every day I pray for the Lord to help me let go of them and move on, because I know and believe that He directs my steps and that He will work everything out for my good. Despite the pain I've been through in the past 14 months, I do believe God will make good come out of it--as He already has in some ways.
So. Yah. Nothin' to complain about.
Still saying my affirmations out loud. Still thanking God every day.
Lonely at times. A little tired. There are moments when I get weary from being the one who is always has a big smile on my face, always so positive, always so uplifting, always trying to make the best out of every situation. I see people around me throwing fits and whining and complaining about little things, and sometimes I think, man...I wish God would let me do that once in a while! I want to be a little lazy today. I wish I could tell people off sometimes. Give them a what-for. Have a few come-to-Jesus meetings with certain people. HMPH.
Once in a while it would be nice if God wasn't constantly DEALING WITH ME about every.little.thing. But He is ON MY BACK. Let me tell ya! The Lord has been calling me to higher and higher standards all the time. Don't complain.Give the cashier a compliment even though you feel cruddy this morning. Push your chair in. Pick up other peoples' trash. Donate your stuff instead of selling it. Give your favorite necklace to that lady sitting in that booth and tell her God loves her. Go the extra mile.
And it is OKAY--don't get me wrong. The Lord disciplines those He loves, and the Lord must love me an awful lot. And if He is working to prepare me for a greater calling in life, and this is how he is preparing me, then I am all for it. If God were leaving me alone, I'd be worried.
The thing is... I'm a bit weary the past couple of days. I need a little love. I need a little encouragement and not so much discpline. I need a little uplifting myself. I need someone to be here for me, rather than me being here for everyone else. I need it to be okay if I don't have my big, cute smile and cute haircut and cute outfit on. I need it to be okay if I'm not appearing adorable for a little bit. I need to be able to be vulnerable with someone, and have it be okay, and not fear being rejected (again.)
I need Jesus right here beside me. Like I was telling Him today, I need to reach out for His hand, and feel him grab mine and squeeze it. I need to hear him tell me things are going to be okay. I need to know and feel Him walking beside me. I need to know I have His attention. Right now I need to do more than read it in the Bible and know it, I need to SEE it. I need His comfort, and I need it pretty huge right now. Just for a few days.
I need God to show up with skin on.
How I cannot wait for that day when I see Him face to face and bow before Him, and finally at long last hear Him say those words I've waited for ALL my life... "Well done, good and faithful servant."