Monday, February 23, 2009


I thought I had this pride thing kicked.
Actually, I thought it had never been much of a problem in the first place.
Most of my life, it was well-made known to me in many ways that I was not much of a person. I was not to think much of myself. It was held in front of me by quite a few people that I was really smart, but there were lots of people who were smarter, and by the way, I really lack common sense. I was artistic, but my little sister was much more talented. I could do a lot, but there are tons of people who can do more.
And on, and on. By the time I was about 16, I felt pretty well beat down. My eyes, as well as my demeanor, were cast down. As was my spirit.

And yet.
This morning I was listening to a Joyce Meyer teaching CD and she mentioned something about hidden strongholds. Problems we don't even realize we have.
I asked God to please, PLEASE point out anything that I have going on that I don't know I have, because I don't want ANYTHING standing between He and I, or between the best life He has for me.
For example, why do I have such a stronghold of worrying so much about my sister, when I know full well she is an intelligent 30-something-year-old woman fully capable of taking care of herself? Why are there a couple of people I used to know who just still bug the heck out of me, even though we don't even run in the same circles anymore? Why does it bother me so much when I see people doing certain things, when 1)it isn't any of my business 2)that's between them and God 3)it's their lives they are messing up and in no way that I can see affects me?
I mean really, Let it Go already girl!

Guess what?
I didn't see that one coming.
I love it when the Lord hits me with something, even when it hurts to hear it. It says in the Bible that God disciplines those He loves. Well man, the Lord loves me a LOT this year. A WHOLE lot, because I've been getting discplined on a lot of things I never had before. That is okay though. He is teaching me because He wants me to learn and do better. Which is exactly what I need and want.
Back to Pride. (no let's not, shall we? Can we move on?)
Don't I worry about my sister and get bugged by these other people because I see them doing things I think they shouldn't be doing? Who put me in charge of shoulds, anyway?
Just because I think I know the word of God and think I know what is best for them, I think I know what God would want them to do, or because its what God had ME do, doesn't necessarily mean its what God would have THEM do. Just because taking the past year to immerse myself in Joyce Meyer and Beth Moore CD's and reading the Bible was what helped me get my life back on track was what helped me, doesn't mean that is what is going to make other people I know turn THEIR lives around. Just because I joined Bible Study, or because I gave up X,Y, and Z doesn't mean it will work for everyone. Am I even going so far as to judge people because they aren't trying harder to do things that God would want them to do, or what I think God would want them to do?
And just because my heart is in the right place, just because I have good intentions, does that mean that somewhere deep inside I don't have some hidden judgment in there? Is it possible that even if I don't realize it, I'm getting angry or frustrated with other people because they aren't doing these things? I know that when I read about or hear about things other people are doing, who have the same problems I used to have, I sometimes think "If they would just a)listen to me b)do x,y,z,a,b,c, c)do what the Bible tells them to do!" That sounds like judgment to me. I am not accepting them for where they are at. Maybe they are not able to do those things right now. I wasn't able to do those things until I was 35 years old and so desperate that I wouldn't LET myself do anything else. Aren't I being prideful by thinking, if everyone would just follow my Yahweh the way I followed my Yahweh, they could all be on the path to freedom the way I am?

As careful as I am to not show off, not be noticed, this trying to take care of other people, worrying about others, trying to give advice, is like saying "I know what you should do-listen to me-I've got all the answers." I need to be careful about that. It isn't I who have the answers. It is God. And it is only by the grace of God that I have made one single step on the path to freedom. If it were not for His grace, I'd still be sinking in the deep water that I was last year.

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