He [God] Himself has said, I will not in any way fail you nor give you up nor leave you without support. [I will] not, [I will] not, [I will] not in any degree leave you helpless nor forsake nor let [you] down (relax My hold on you)! [Assuredly not!] (Amplified Bible) Hebrews 13:5
I am having a hard time this week. Dealing with some old things. Feeling past hurts that are presently up in my face and wringing my heart. Missing some people so much that at times it hurts too much to even breathe.
Aching for prayers to be answered, ones I have prayed so fervently and so longingly that God surely, surely realizes how important they are to me... yet He continues to remain silent. Telling God over and over, "I need you, please talk to me," but I don't hear him, don't see him. Times this week when I want so much to just take a break from the world and say "I give in"-- but its not an option. I wouldn't let myself, and God wouldn't let me. Broken heart and all, reminding God I need him, and hoping that today he will show up in a big way. So far today he hasn't...not in a way that I can tell. [Or rather I should say, not in the way that my limited, insightless, fleshly mind WANTS him to. ]
So Hebrews 13:5 I hang on to: He says he is here. Even if I don't feel him, don't hear him... don't see anything happening in the things I desperately pray for... He says he is.
Some days are a little more than I can bear.
Today I tried to join a new group. Art group. I was going to put myself :out there: again. Go be my shiny, here's-God-working-in-me-see-what-he's-doing, watch me smile some more self. The New Creation self, not the old, rotten me self that I've had going on for years. I failed tonight. Pretty well. There was someone in the group who smelled just like the person I am deep in grief, heartbroken over today. Already was upset, and I couldn't contain myself anymore. Smelling her there without her being there was just too much. I barely made it out the door. My heart aches too much.
I don't have a profound way to end this entry today. I am just a girl waiting on God to show up. I am just a girl aching for comfort. Just a girl waiting for God to do a miracle in me, in my life, in my heart. Just a girl waiting.