Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Somebody call the Waaambulance

Beware, I'm fixing to have a pity party for a minute. But if you'll hang here with me for a moment, I promise it'll get better at the end.

For some reason, ever since I got baptized 2 Sundays ago, I have been having a REALLY hard time. Nothing on the outside going wrong-- life is FINE--my circumstances are GOOD. Its in my head and my heart where things have continued to be a train wreck. I have felt like I've been getting as attacked as I did last Spring, after I lost a couple of people who were very very dear to me and my heart was broken and trompled on. The past week I have been dealing with nightmares every night, rejection, hopelessness, self-pity, you name it.
I've been doing everything that I normally do. Bible Study. Prayer. Sunday School & Church. Talking to God. Listening to my CDs. Trying to encourage myself, like David and Paul did. Being honest with God-- since He knows my heart anyway. All these things that normally work. For some reason though, it isn't cutting it. Instead of having energy and looking forward to the day, I've wanted to just pull up the covers and go back to sleep.
So what is UP with my mood? (*note to self* I will not bow down to my feelings!!) Argh!!
Beware, here's where the pity party really gets going for a second (I hope you brought punch and cookies):

I want a BREAK from being me. This whole New Creation thing really needs to get a move on. I don't want to be me anymore. This process is going too slow. I want to get away. I'm tired of always trying so hard to do the right thing, but basically getting ignored by everyone. I'm tired of seeing people I know do the wrong things year after year but get rewarded with attention and pity and having others fawn over them, wanting to help. Yet here I struggle year after year too, only I have no one even when I ask for help (see, I told you it was a pity party!) I get a bit tired of always being the one who reaches out to others and offers support encouragement to dozens of people, but its rare that I get anything back. I can't even get my own family to call me back. (Argh... is this what I have this ministry for though? To get things back from people? I need to hush up.) But still, it would be NICE...sometimes... to be invited places. To have someone to talk to that wants to get to know ME. To have someone be there to support me, and not want my advice or help. Just want ME.
It is hard to love people so much, and want people so much, and to feel unwanted all the time.

OKAY, I put it out there. I feel unwanted by everyone. That's my basic problem. I feel unwanted, forgotten about, rejected, and unappreciated. I feel like a big nobody.

Rant and pity party over. Hoooray! (I hope you enjoyed your cookies.)
The fact IS:
God does not forget me. He has me engraved on the palm of His hand.
He has my name written in his book of Life.
God made me. Even the hairs on my head are numbered by him.
God knows every word I'm ever going to say, even before I speak it. Before God made the universe, He knew me and every thing I would ever say or do. Even the silly, rambing stuff. He even knew that I would be a clutz and have ADD, and be forever bumping my head into the roof of my car, and losing my stuff. But He made me anyway.
God knew that people would treat me wrong. He knew that people would be unfair to me. God wrote me messages in the Bible that He, and He alone, would be my Vindicator. God knew that I would feel alone and lost. So God wrote me messages in the Bible that He would be my Shepherd, to lead and guide me. God knew that I would rarely, if ever, have people in my life to comfort me, even though it is something that I long for. So God wrote me a message in His Word that he longed to "comfort, comfort my people." God made me for a reason, with a purpose. So yah, I haven't figured out yet what my purpose is. But maybe some day. And God will never reject me. God will never tell me a lie-- He is not like men (or women.) God is Love, and God is Good-- all the time. He will not, cannot take His love away, because its who He IS. When something is who you is, you can't take it away, because its part of your character. God knew that people would lie to me, so he wrote messages in the Bible about He is the Truth. He is someone I can always trust.

It is these truths that I need to remember when I am tempted to feel sorry for myself. God will not forget me. God wants to bless me and honor me. God has a place for me. God will someday give me double for the trouble I went through in my life. Some day God will lift me up. Even though I have always been last among people, some day God will put me first. I just have to keep my eyes on God, and not on myself. My eyes on God, and not on other people. My eyes on God, and not on my circumstances. My eyes on God, and not on the way I've been treated. My eyes on God, and not on my own thoughts or feelings. My eyes on God, and not on the world. My eyes on God, and not on my whiney inner voice. My eyes on God, and not on pity parties. My eyes on God, and not on anything else. My eyes on God. My eyes on God. My eyes on God. My eyes on God.

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