Some days are like that...

Do you ever have those days where you just sorta feel like THIS:

NOW what do you want?!

Hey! Leave me alone already!

That's what sort of day I am having. I don't wanna talk to anyone, I don't wanna take care of anyone, I don't wanna be all deep and introspective, and I don't feel like taking care of everyone else's problems for once. Just one of those days I guess!

Thankfully, we have a Savior we can go to when we have days like this. As Jesus said in Matthew 11:28-30
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

For Such a Time as This

There are some days when I feel so misplaced.
So much like I don't belong anywhere.
Like when I see a group of older ladies giggling over coffee, who have obviously been friends for a lifetime... and I wonder if I will ever have that.
Or when I see a family playing together at the park.
I wonder if I will ever feel like I truly fit in somewhere again, if there will ever be a place for me where I am truly accepted for who I am, and can be my real, true self. Vulnerable. Open. Honest. And loved anyway.
Sound familiar?
Sometimes I wonder if I was born in the wrong time period.
As a child, I sewed my own clothes just like the ones that Laura wore on Little House on the Prairie, and wore them to school...complete with bonnets and boots (yes, my mother let me go to school this way for 2 years! Can you believe this?) (Her excuse, by the way is, "You were Gifted; we didn't want to get in the way of your creativity." Uh huh. And I had no friends... why, we wonder? HA!)
The 1800's may have been perfect for me.
I also would have made a great hippie. If I had been born just a few years earlier, that would have been GREAT. Long hair, amazing music, absolutely incredible clothes, lots of love... everything except the drugs. Yep. Maybe I should have been born then. Maybe I would have fit in.
Ever feel that way? That you're just in the wrong decade? Century? World?
The thing is...
God has a plan.
Ever read the book of Esther?
Oh if you haven't, I wish you would. Better yet, do Beth Moore's study on Esther with a group of women from your church and really, really get into the story. You'll learn more about yourself and about Esther than you can ever even imagine.
Esther was a beautiful young Jewish girl who was brought to the King when the old Queen pretty much just ticked him off and he'd had enough of her. So he needed a new Queen. And long story short, Esther was it. But someone else was having the Jewish people killed, and Esther had to hide the fact that she was Jewish. Its an intense story, and I find parts of it awfully amusing. Lots of drinking and partying and men huffing about.)
One of my favorite parts is where her uncle tells her in Esther 4:14 "For if you remain silent at this time, relief and deliverance for the Jews will arise from another place, but you and your father's family will perish. And who knows but that you have come to royal position for such a time as this?"
Esther was brought to be Queen RIGHT at that time, that perfect time, by God, to save the Jewish people (you're going to have to read the rest of the story on your own to find out.)

You,too, are in the world for such a time as this.
And so am I.
God has a plan for our lives. A perfect plan.
He didn't just accidently put me here to live in 2010 by accident. You either.
I didn't accidenly miss the 1960's even though I feel like I would have fit in better there.
God put me (and you) here,right now, for a purpose. To accomplish HIS plan.
There's a reason you are here. And there's a reason you are here RIGHT NOW.
Maybe you know what it is. Maybe you don't. But there still is one.
Maybe you are meant to save someone. Maybe you are meant to serve the Lord with Gladness as a janitor, a teacher, a mother, a prayer warrior, a nanny. Maybe you are meant to give Glory to God through your artwork, your writing, your prayers, your time. Something. But its something that needs to be done now, in the 21st Century... today.

As the Psalmist wrote in Psalm 139:16...
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.

God knew before the world began that you would be here today, in 2010. He has a reason for you... for such a time as this.

Letting Go

The baby has spent the past 2 days trying to figure out how to ride her tricycle. This has been an adventure. It involves a lot of bumping into things and falling and using her sign for "help" and taking breaks for drinks of water.

She looks at me often for encouragement. Because I really want her to learn how to do new things, I've been doing everything I can think of to help her out. Holding the tricycle still for her as she practiced getting on and off over and over again. We counted the wheels about 11 times. Doing a "Ride the Bike-You Can Do This! You're a Big Girl!" dance in front of her. Scooting on the floor in front of her inch by inch as she attempted to work the trike. Shouting, "You can do it! You are woman, hear you roar!" (at which point she would say, "Rawr!" and giggle.) Reminding her to push with her feet. And then of course, in a last attempt at making the bike move, allowing her to finally take my hand, and just dragging the bike along side me as I walked, while she got a free ride. She was happy she was finally moving, but I explained her that this was not QUITE the purpose of the whole thing, although she was welcome to just hang onto my hand for awhile and let me guide her. But wouldn't it be more fun, baby, if you could just learn to ride the bike on your own and go whatever way YOU decided?

The thing is though... she was figuring it out. She really DID know how to do it-the "hold on/ push with your feet/steer" thing. She just wanted me to do it for her. Hang on a little longer.

It took quite a while for her to get the confidence in her own ability to do it on her own and finally let go of my hand... and start enjoying the freedom of riding her tricycle on her own.

I do that sometimes. Sometimes I hold onto things a little longer than I should. Even things I know I should let go of. But sometimes, things just feel so...familiar. They might not even feel all that safe anymore, but at least they are what I know. I might even see a bigger world in front of me... like the baby sees on her tricycle. There's so much more freedom for her- if she would let go of my hand, then she wouldn't have to go where I lead her, she could go wherever SHE chooses to go. But she has to choose to let go.

That's what many things boil down to, isn't it? A choice.

I think that 2010 is going to be for me. Choosing to let go of some things. Familiar, safe things, that I have held onto for a long time. But if I let go, there will be a bigger, freer world out there for me.

The good news is that I don't have to be as afraid as I think I do. Whatever happens, God is going to be right there with me, cheering me on just as I do with the baby:
So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
(Isaiah 41:10)

Things I Could Do Forever

Have you ever seen that movie, "Groundhog Day"? The one where the guy lives Groundhog Day over and over again until he learns some lessons he's supposed to learn, begins to act nice and makes changes inside himself, and the throughout the whole movie he has to do the same things over and over again? I've always liked that movie for some reason. Besides being addicted to routines and needing stability in my life, I've always liked having certain things to hold on to. These kinds of things make me feel safe-- knowing there is something I can hang on to.

There are some things that I could just do forever. Recently I have discovered another one. Today the baby and I shared a personal pan pizza at Target. We had just finished some grocery shopping, and browsing the Christmas section for at LEAST the 18th time since they put the decorations out the day after Halloween, and were sitting in the sun. I didn't plan on sharing my pizza. Didn't realize the baby LIKED pizza. I had purchased a little box of rainbow goldfish for HER snack. But what do you know, she ended up eating part of my pizza. So there we sat in the sun, tired out from shopping, sharing pizza, just the 16 month old and I. And I thought, sometimes life doesn't get any better than this.

Oh but it does. Something else I could do forever: singing the baby to sleep at naptime (Okay, I admit it: I enjoy her naptime a LOT more than she does.) Just recently she has gotten big enough to put her head down on my shoulder when I carry her. So when I sing her to sleep now in her darkened bedroom, she puts her head down on me, and while I sing she rests against me, and I can watch her fall asleep while I sing Peter Paul & Mommy's "Animal Make-Believe Town" or "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star." Her breath is warm against my neck, her little pink mouth is pouty, and I love her so much that I can hardly stand it.

Or moments that are more rare, which make them even more precious: the times I spend with my niece and nephew, who are 6 and 3 but going on 27 and 16. They both talk like professors but at the same time love fairies and " 'Piderman." Nothing else brings me more joy than when they ask me to read them bedtime stories, or when my niece wants me to have a sleepover on her bedroom floor...and she falls asleep with her arm across my back, and I can watch her sleep. I love that little girl more than I love life itself, and she looks like an angel when she sleeps. I could do that every night the rest of my life and it would never be enough.

The other thing I could do forever is stand in my church like last Sunday, a place that is currently decorated for Advent, and besides the attraction of twinkling lights and around 5 Christmas trees on the stage, the focus there is on worshipping God, which is something I could do forever. And guess what, this is something I truly will get to do forever, according to the Bible. (I guess its a good thing I like it so much then, or I would have a pretty tough time inside those pearly gates....and speaking of pearly, its a good thing I like sparkly and shiny things so much, because Heaven is going to be pretty much on the bright and shiny side ! ) On Sunday we sang Christmas carols that all focused on Christ, but I would imagine that in heaven we won't be limited to just Christmas carols. I imagine that since we'll have eternity to sing, we'll come up with just about every song about God there is.

And speaking of God, remember I mentioned that need for stability and unchanging-ness that I have? Well just my luck: Guess who talks about being the unchangeable one, the one who doesn't change, never changes, and WILL NOT change? You guessed it.
Malachi 3:6 "I the Lord do not change"
Hebrews 3:18 "Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever." (I can count on this guy.)

I Will Praise

This week has been a bit of a roller-coaster for me.
On Monday, I was thrilled because God provided me with nearly $500 out of nowhere-I sold my kiln that has been on sale since March, and a few other small items. I really needed that money because I have my quarterly taxes due this month, which come to $500. Hallelujah, God had provided!
Then on Thursday, my car needed $500 worth of repairs. I was reeling. On Friday it needed almost $200 more worth of work. What the heck? God, hadn't you just given me a $500 miracle for my taxes? I thought that was for my TAXES!!!
Apparently, I had been mistaken. God knew my car was going to break down--so he had provided me the money in advance to have it fixed.
Ever have that happen? Its that whole "The Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away" kind of thing. I confess I was feeling a bit like Job for a couple of days, and on Thursday I was having a pity party where I was the guest of honor. Where was I going to get even MORE money? It wasn't FAAAIIIRRR!!!! I needed $500, and lost $700. Geesh.

But then I realized by Friday night... God had STILL done me a miracle. He had still given me a great gift. Provision is provision. So yah, I still have to come up with the money for my taxes and I have no idea where that's going to come from. I still don't have to worry about it though. God is my provider. Maybe he is setting me up for a bigger miracle.... I don't know. Perhaps he is testing my faith, I don't know. Even though he gave me almost $500 on Monday, and I ended up paying out nearly $700 this week on my car, I still happily tithed $50 this morning in church, as I promised him I would. It is the least I can do in appreciation.... well, except possibly removing myself off the pity party invitation list, which I did when I got my head back together this weekend.

So today I will praise him and give thanks to him. Not just because God is my provider, but because of Who he IS- because he is God. Because he is the righteous one, because He holds me in his hand whether he has a gift in the other hand for me or not. I praise him because HE is worthy- even when my car breaks down. I praise him because he is worthy when he's doing miracles for me or whether he chooses not to. All I know is, it isn't for me to worry about. I just need to keep being faithful, and keep my eyes on His face. He will work everything out for my good.

God is Everywhere

Romans 1:20

For since the creation of the world God's invisible qualities—his eternal power and divine nature—have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that men are without excuse.

My mom came to visit and we went to the Botanical Garden yesterday. I took pictures of these most incredible flowers. God is so creative. Look at the blending of the bright colors in the tiny flowers above. They look like a sunset. Isn't that amazing?
This purple flower looks like it has small berries in the middle of it. The little flowers look like stars.
These flowers were just two out of hundreds I saw yesterday. God's creation is so astounding. God is a master at creativity and expression. I love finding God everywhere I look.

Fall, Redefined

So I know its a little early. Fall doesn't come to Texas until November. But, the back to school items are in the stores, and I've seen busses practicing their routes. Its back to school time around here. In the district I used to teach in, teachers are going back in the next 2 weeks.
And it.is.weird.
This is the 1st fall since 1978 that I have not done the "Back To School" thing. First year I haven't had to buy school supplies, new clothes, a new back pack. First year in 13 years that I haven't had the "OH MY GOSH I HAVE ONLY HOW MUCH TIME TO SET UP MY ROOM!?" freak out while receiving a pile of paperwork, a list of staff meetings, my class list, and spent $500 of my own money buying students' school supplies.
This is also the 1st year I haven't had my Fall Panic. My Fall "I think I'm gonna die of stress" insanity. Everyone who knows me probably has seen me go through my annual Fall...fall. I may be in a great mood all spring and summer, but in the fall...down I go. Lots of things that I don't like have happened in the fall. And I don't think I was built to take the kind of stress that fall has alwas brought.
But.
Not.
This.
Year!!
This is fall, redefined.
Now I am no longer teaching. I have no more meetings, no more paperwork. No more school supplies to buy. No more stress!! I loved teaching. I was called to be with children. But quitting special education was probably the best thing I ever did for my health and well-being. Old colleagues that see me now say things like "You look so much less stressed out!" and "You look so much healthier!" (Funny how not being attacked by kids on a daily basis can have that effect.)
Also, I used to get sick ALL the time. I haven't had so much as a cold since I quit teaching.

Now I hang out with a baby all day. Now the biggest decision I make are: bananas or peaches with lunch? Sixty minute or Ninety minute walk this morning? Do I take a nap while the baby is sleeping or try to get some stuff done around the house? Instead of pondering BIP's and IEP's I ponder nursery rhymes and how to get out stains. Or why the baby is obsessed with bananas and my telephone.

I do feel weird. Restless. Like I should be stressed out and doing something, but I'm not. I have back-to-school dreams still. Back to school nightmares sometimes. My body seems to know its back to school time and thinks it should be revved up and freaking out--but, I'm just NOT.
This is fall, redefined.
"'For I know the plans I have for you,' says the LORD. 'They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.'" (Jeremiah 29:11)

I am learning to have peace

Psalm 62:1-8
1 My soul finds rest in God alone;
my salvation comes from him.
My soul rests...it is quiet. I don't argue with God. I quiet the voices in my head. I seek His face. I bow my head in prayer, I don't try to reason with God. I listen. My soul is open and receptive to what He has to say.
2 He alone is my rock and my salvation;
he is my fortress, I will never be shaken.
I have learned that the ONLY ONE who can truly help me is God. You can't rely on "best friends", relatives, counselors, horoscopes, New Age gurus, television stars, or anyone else to save you. You can't even rely on yourself. The only one who cantruly help me is God, and God alone.
3 How long will you assault a man?
Would all of you throw him down—
this leaning wall, this tottering fence?
4 They fully intend to topple him
from his lofty place;
they take delight in lies.
With their mouths they bless,
but in their hearts they curse.
Selah
How long will people put me down, disappoint me, let me down, talk about me behind my back, hurt me, say mean things, or other things? Probably as long as I live. Jesus said "In this world you will have trouble." Not maybe. Will.

5 Find rest, O my soul, in God alone;
my hope comes from him.
My hope is not in things, places, or people. My hope is in God. My hope is my confident expectation that God is Who He says He is, that God can do what He says He can do, that I am who God says I am.

6 He alone is my rock and my salvation;
he is my fortress, I will not be shaken.
God is faithful. Those who hope in Him will never be disappointed or put to shame.

7 My salvation and my honor depend on God;
he is my mighty rock, my refuge.
8 Trust in him at all times, O people;
pour out your hearts to him,
for God is our refuge.
Selah
God is not like man that He should lie. God will not let me down. God is like a rock... He never changes. I can trust him right now, every step of the way. Every moment. God does not live in the past-- He is not the great I Was. God does not live in the future--He is not the great I Will Be. He is here with me, now. He is the Great I Am. I can pour out my heart to Him- my tears, my hopes and dreams, my disappointments, my pains, my laughter, because God is always listening and always here with me. He is my Strong Tower, always holding me up.
In that, I have peace.
Pause, and think about that.

Psalm 37- Do Not Fret

Be sure you get all this:
Psalm 37:1-11
1 Do not fret because of evil men
or be envious of those who do wrong;
2 for like the grass they will soon wither,
like green plants they will soon die away.
3 Trust in the LORD and do good;
dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.
4 Delight yourself in the LORD
and he will give you the desires of your heart. <------- 5 Commit your way to the LORD;
trust in him and he will do this:
6 He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn,
the justice of your cause like the noonday sun.
7 Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him;
do not fret when men succeed in their ways,
when they carry out their wicked schemes.
8 Refrain from anger and turn from wrath;
do not fret—it leads only to evil.
9 For evil men will be cut off,
but those who hope in the LORD will inherit the land.
10 A little while, and the wicked will be no more;
though you look for them, they will not be found.
11 But the meek will inherit the land
and enjoy great peace.

Its really,really hard when people who do bad things seem to get away with it, isn't it? Its really really hard when people who mistreat you seem to get more attention, more riches, more friends, more fun, or more money. Its really hard when people who treat you badly don't even seem to care, but just go on with their lives without a second thought and leave you behind, hurting. I'm fighting these battles in my mind right now. But really, the battles belong to God. Look what God says about these things to us, just in Psalm 37--this is just one place out of many in the Scriptures.
It may look like evil men are prospering for now. But- they won't always. Its just for a little while. They'll eventually wither away. If we make sure not to fret, to keep on doing good, to give our cause over to God, then HE will shine upon us and let our right ways be visible. He will give us an inheritance that is worth much more than what evil people are temporarily receiving. If we will wait on the Lord, He WILL come through for us-- God is faithful, and He will do what He says. All we need to do is NOT FRET (I'm a good fretter-- how about you?)-- trust in the Lord, go about doing good, and HE will give us the desires of our heart.
I'm counting on that-- aren't you?

I Will NOT Give Up!

One of Joyce Meyer's latest creations is the Never Give Up Curriculum which I bought last year at the Women's Conference. It has come in very handy-- if you don't have it, you should get it. (You'd think I worked for Joyce Meyer, right? I actually don't... maybe I should start plugging Beth Moore and Joel Osteen stuff as well I think...)
Anyway, I am being tested again. Again again. And I am determined to not give up. I WILL pass the tests I'm being put through right now. I KNOW that God is faithful. I KNOW that God is trustworthy. I KNOW He will come through for me, somehow.

Today I found out I've been ripped off by someone at Ebay, and Ebay says they can't help me. I was counting on some money to come through to help pay medical bills this month, but someone on ebay did something wrong, when I was trying to be a blessing. My old self would get all worried, anxious, and upset. I've been taken advantage of a lot, and too many times people have hurt me & gotten away with it. I could get all angry today. But I'm determined to not get that way. I know that God saw what that guy did, and God knows my heart. I also know these Scriptures:

Psalm 11:7For the LORD is righteous, he loves justice; upright men will see his face.
Psalm 135:14For the LORD will vindicate his people and have compassion on his servants
Psalm 33:5The LORD loves righteousness and justice; the earth is full of his unfailing love

God will make things right. He will also provide for me. God knows I need the money and He knows what bills I have. He'll provide somehow, and I don't have to worry. I am determined to get through this month without worrying like I used to.
I'm also in a good deal of pain. Chronic pain in my back & arm are a little worse than usual. But, God is my healer. And like Joyce said at her meeting the other day, "Every day I'm getting better and better in every way." God's healing power is at work in me RIGHT NOW. Just because I'm not feeling it yet doesn't mean it isn't happening. But one of these days I WILL be pain free. I know God can help. I am determined to believe God for healing and wait it out. God will take care of me.

Everywhere You've Been...

Something that Joyce Meyer said at the San Antonio conference the other night really struck me. I took a lot of notes and I have a lot of thoughts, but this is something that is really on my mind today.
I have been having a lot of nightmares again. Some of you know my story, but most of it I've kept secret. I've had a lot of struggles. There have been a lot of hard times. I've been hurt a lot, made some choices I regret, lost a lot of people I love, things like that. Lots of things I'm trying hard to forget. It comforts me though, to know that God has a good plan for my life because I love Him and follow His commandments.
Something that Joyce said the other night struck me so much that I wrote down the direct quote:
"Everywhere you've been will become part of where you're going."
This is so true. Scripture says that our steps are ordered by the Lord. God can take our mess and make it into something beautiful. He can give us beauty for our ashes. God knows my every step...everywhere I have been. He can take everything, even the painful places, and use them for good. So even those awful places I've been (and there have been some really awful painful spots, let me tell you-- and I know that you've had them too) God will use them and help them become part of the path. The path that will lead to your better life. The Good Life that He wants you to have. It doesn't have to stop at the pain. You can keep on going through the hard times, and let God use those hard times, make those crooked places straight.
It helps me to know that even when I have a difficult day now (even though they are rare now, they still come) God is using it to get me where I'm going. I used to think that some days of my life were just lost, useless. But I can see now that God had a plan to use even those days.
No day is ever lost to God. He can take everything and work it for good.

But a kind word cheers him up....

Proverbs 12:25 (New International Version)
An anxious heart weighs a man down,
but a kind word cheers him up.
I have read this wonderful proverb many, many times in my life. As someone who has often had an "anxious heart," I have searched for ways to relax or find comfort in God's word.
Proverbs 12:25 offers a good solution: If you have an anxious heart, you need a kind word to get cheered up.
Many times I have despaired because I've spent a great deal of my life alone. There haven't been many kind people in my life to offer a kind word to me. Or, perhaps there WERE kind people, but more often than not, they were just too busy to stop and be kind to me.

Thus I despaired: how is my anxious heart supposed to get cheered up if there isn't someone else around to offer me a kind word!?

This weekend, something hit me like a lightning bolt:
I can tell them to myself.
I don't have to wait for someone else to have time to be kind to me, to give me a compliment or say something flattering to me, or to lift my heart for me. I'M right here with me all the time. I can make time for me any time that I want! How often have I taken time in the past to berate myself for some silly mistake, or put myself down for how I look in a bathing suit? How often have I called myself stupid?
If I can make the time to give myself an anxious heart, surely I can make the time to cheer my own self up.

So what can I tell myself today to cheer myself up? Even if I have a downer of a day where NOTHING is working out, the baby is crying and won't take her nap, another bill comes in the mail, my chronic pain will not let up, it's raining for the 4th day in a row?
Here are some things that are ALWAYS true, regardless of my circumstances, that always cheer me up:

God has a good plan for my life.
I am the righteousness of God in Christ.
Everything that God starts, He finishes.
I am the apple of God's eye.
God is way bigger than any problem I have.
The God of the universe lives in me.
God is always working in my life to bring about good things, even if I am not smart enough to see it yet. How about that?
God loves me so much that He always wants to bless me.

I feel myself cheering up already.

Where is God when it Hurts?

The baby, who is about to turn 9 months old, is about to reach another development milestone: crawling.

However, she has discovered something more fun. If I hold her hands, she can take steps and walk. Guess what she wants to do all the time? That's right. Forget this crawling thing. Forget laying on the floor to play. Forget sitting. Forget tummy time. She wants to be held all the time, she wants to be walking. All the time. She will walk til she wears herself out. If you lay her on the floor with her bottle, she will lay there and cry, pretending to be helpless, to see if you will pick her up and walk her around. Its her latest trick: I'll lay here helpless until someone picks me up. Then I grab their hands, and HELLO! I'm walking!

But this does not work on me. Aha, I am finally smarter than someone: a 9 month old. She pitches her fit: pick me up! I can't roll over! I can't MOVE unless YOU move me!
I'm onto this one. I let her lay there, knowing that eventually, she'll get tired of her fit, roll over, and work on her crawling again.
Today was fit-throwing day again. Only she up'd it a notch. She added: the dramatic scream.
*ooooohhhhhhhh* ;)
This time, I walked out of the room.
Unbeknownst to Cuddlebug, while she threw her "I'm helpless I need you to pick me up!!!!" fit, I hid behind the door to her bedroom, keeping an eye on her the whole time, making sure she was safe.
And actually, I did want to pick her up. I don't like it when she cries. I fear she will feel abandoned. I fear she will decide I have ceased to exist, and become traumatized. But, I know better: she needs to learn to do things on her own. I know that if I rescue her every time she wants to be picked up, if I roll her over every time she wants to be rolled over, if I sit her up every time she wants to be sat up, she won't learn to do these things independently. If I walk her from room to room all the time, she won't put the effort into crawling. And as much as I want to help her and love on her, I'm not doing her any good by enabling her.
Meanwhile, she cries. She probably thinks I'm mean. Maybe she thinks I don't love her anymore. Maybe she thinks I'm not there anymore. None of these things are true. I love her just as much as ever. And I'm right there-- waiting on her to help herself just a little.
So, I stood behind the door, watching her struggle for a few minutes, thinking "I know you can do this, kiddo!", until she finally decided she was bored with crying, and she
rolled herself over, got herself up on her knees, and then sat up and started playing with the toy that was next to her.
I immediately went in her room and started praising her for being such a strong, independent, big girl. She smiled at me, I think realizing that she had just done something good. Again. Just like I knew she would. And she might have been a bit tear-stained, but she was also a little stronger, and a little more confident in herself to get herself out of a bind.

Do you ever fear that God has abandoned you in your deepest time of need?
I know that I do-- all the time. There are even books written about this-- "Where is God when it hurts?" Just last night, I went through yet another disappointing circumstance that hurt me very deeply and I questioned God again-- where are You? Why don't You fix this? Why are You doing this? Why don't You come down here and HELP ME!?

But I invite you to consider something. What if God is allowing us to go through circumstances that will make ourselves stronger? What if He has not abandoned us-- but only watching us from a little further away, a proud father, whispering from Heaven, "I know you can do this kiddo!"

Scripture talks about how God is omnipotent and omniprescent. He is always everywhere, always watching us, all-knowing. What if He is allowing something to happen and purposely NOT stepping in to rescue me because He knows that letting me go through something tonight will allow me to wake up a little stronger tomorrow?

But... the good news is... at the appointed time, at just the right time... He will come. He will come.

The writer of the Psalms went through something similar:
Psalm 38:9
All my longings lie open before you, O Lord; my sighing is not hidden from you.

Psalm 40:1
I waited patiently for the Lord;
he turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire,
he set my feet on a rock,
and gave me a firm place to stand.
He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God.

Crank it Up

You know how you're driving along on a nice peaceful (ha ha) highway and then up from behind you comes some crazy teenager who has their music cranked up so loud its like they want to share it with the world? And their bass is booming so loud that you wonder how long until the mirrors break in their car.... you contemplate the cost of their future hearing aide... and then mumble about how back in the day when YOU were a kid, you NEVER would have thought of playing YOUR music that loud?

I confess I'm one of those.

No, not the mumblers.

I'm one of the losing-my-hearing-cracking-the-glass-in-my-car people.

There....now you know.

I'm one of those annoying people who has my music up that loud at 7:30 in the morning who you just want to scream at "Turn it down already!"

The thing is, I've already got the hearing-loss thing going (rampant untreated ear infections from childhood, and way too many "Hey guess what we have seats right next to the speakers at the DC Talk Concert!" days with my sister) and I, in fact, DO want to share my music with the people around me, in hopes it'll catch on.

I confess also that part of the reason my music is up so loud is that so you can't hear me singing along.

But if you did hear me singing (and lets hope not), this is what you would have heard this morning along Loop 12:

How Great is Our God

VERSE(1):The splendor of a King,Clothed in majestyLet all the earth rejoice,All the earth rejoiceHe wraps himself in light,And darkness tries to hide And trembles at his voice,And trembles at his voice

CHORUS(1):How great is our God, sing with me How great is our God,and all will see How great, How great Is our God

VERSE(2):Age to age he standsAnd time is in His Hands Beginning and the End, Beginning and the EndThe Godhead, Three in oneFather, Spirit, SonThe Lion and the Lamb,The Lion and the Lamb

CHORUS(1): How great is our God, sing with meHow great is our God,and all will seeHow great, How greatIs our God

CHORUS(2)Name above all namesYou are Worthy of all praise and My heart will sing how greatIs our God(x2)

CHORUS(1): How great is our God, Sing with meHow great is our God,and all will seeHow great, How greatIs our God



No matter what I struggle with, or how hard life gets, this will always be true.

Honor Code

"Try Living" 8x11 Acrylic on Canvas by Me

One of the hardest things I have to deal with is people who don't realize how much I have changed over the years. People who mean a lot to me but don't give me a chance. People who judge me based on who I was years ago and not who I am today. It makes me so sad and disheartened, you know? Especially after I have worked so hard to change, and worked so hard to let God have His way with my heart & soul. Every day I am a new creation. Hopefully some day, people will give me a chance.



The other day I found an Honor Code for a college which was a great inspiration for me. Although the 10 Commandments are a good start for a code to live by for me, I have taken that Honor Code and adapted it for myself & vowed to use this honor code to live by in addition to the 10 commandments. And even if other people have given up on me, or don't believe me for some reason, at least I know that I have integrity and am doing the best I can. So here it is:

• I will purpose to develop character and Godliness in seeking to become woman of God.


• I will take responsibility for my actions and constantly thrive for truth and honor in my personal life so I may lead others to do the same.


• I will live according to the Bible both morally and ethically to live in an honest and sincere manner.


• I will take responsibility for my actions and will not engage in behavior contrary to Christ.


• I will develop my relationship with God by diligently and passionately seeking Him .


• I will do my utmost to follow the will of God in my life and learn how to listen to His voice.


• I recognize that my body is the temple of the Holy Spirit; I will work to discipline my body and maintain a healthy lifestyle


• I will develop healthy social relationships with others.


• I will serve God to the best of my ablity.


• I will listen to those God has placed in authority (even when its really hard).

Sacrifice of Praise

Hebrews 13:15 (AMP)
Through Him, therefore, let us constantly and at all times offer up to God a sacrifice of praise, which is the fruit of lips that thankfully acknowledge and confess and glorify His name.

Have you ever noticed that we are commanded to offer up a sacrifice of praise at ALL times? I used to think that praise was for Sunday morning church services. I didn't even really like it then. The singing part wasn't my favorite part of the service. I just wanted to be taught. Nowadays though, I could spend almost all day in worship.
About 15 months ago, during the hardest time of my life, God had a come-to-Jesus-meeting with me about giving a sacrifice of praise. It was to be part of my "way out" of my hard times. The thing is, I didn't WANT to praise. I didn't FEEEEEEL like it. Nothing in my body, heart, or soul felt like praising anything last year. A sacrifice is an offering, and I felt that I had nothing to offer anyone, especially God.
Then I realized I didn't have to feel like it in order to obey God.
I needed to do what God said, whether I felt like it or not. As God reminded me, "Those are the Ten Commandments, not the Ten Suggestions." I needed to obey even on a bad day, whether my heart was broken or not, whether I felt up to it or not. And if God told me to praise, I would praise.
It started simple. I couldn't even think of a way to lift up God's name. I couldn't think of anything that I was thankful for, there for a little while.
And then a song came to me. A little song I used to sing with some young campers:
Oh, the Lord is good to me/
And so I thank the Lord/
for giving me/
the things I need/
the sun and the rain and the apple seed/
The Lord is Good to me.

And that was it. That was my beginning. My beginning of praise, my beginning of thankfulness-- my Johnny Appleseed song from Camp from 20 years ago. Every time I started to wallow in self- pity and heart break, I purposely began to see that song over and over...and over and over. Sometimes with tears running down my face, my voice cracking and my heart pounding with it's ache. Over and over. Oh, the Lord is good to me...
a few weeks later I added
Jesus Loves Me/ This I know/ for the Bible tells me so...
a simple childrens song.
I really believe that I would not be here today if I had not learned to offer up to God a sacrifice of praise. Now the Lord has allowed me to see many things I have to be grateful for. Now God has allowed me to increase in my thankfulness and gratefulness to Him, and has given me even more to be thankful for. I truly believe it is because I started with that one song, in the middle of my heartbreak, empty handed but alive in His hands.

He Restoreth My Soul

Psalm 23:
The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
he restores my soul.
He guides me in paths of righteousness
for his name's sake.

This is one of the most famous Psalms quoted, ever. Yesterday I realized that God is making this come true in my life, and out of praise to my Yahweh, I want to tell you about it.
First, a little background:
For most of my life, "stuff" going on. The details aren't really necessary, but suffice it to say, since I started to kindergarten, I've never really had peace. A lot of rough things have happened over the years; life has always been a challenge ever since I was a kid. As an adult, I had a calling on my life to take care of children, and I became a special education teacher. During the 12 years I taught, I had an interesting mix of bosses, who often turned their heads away when I needed help in my classroom. Often the children in my class had severe behavior problems. I was often hit, sworn at, had large objects thrown at me; sometimes I spent hours restraining a violent child who was my size. One time a child hit me in the head so hard I blacked out. I've been kicked in the stomach and chest a few times, had my wrist, knee, and arm broken. Add to that never-ending paperwork, meetings, and grouchy parents. Not to say there were not rewards: I LOVED these children. Loved them like they were my own. It was just a very challenging job.

Enter present day: After literally begging God to give me a new life, I now work as a nanny for a 7 month old girl who is as precious as can be. I LOVE her, love her family. I'm treated like family. They are wealthy, and have a huge beautiful home and yard. Where I once spent my time chasing a classroom full of 4 year old autistic children, I now spend my days reading stories, going for walks, and playing in the garden with a beautiful baby girl who also takes 3 hour naps. I'd do anything for this little girl. I LOVE my job so much. ;)

Yesterday, playing in the English garden with my sweet girl, I realized something: God is using this job, this place, this time, to restore my soul. Time stood still for a moment yesterday as the baby explored some flower petals in her hand. The sun was shining warmly through the trees. A lovely sound of water trickling in the pool behind us was pleasant to my ears. We had all day to sit there if we wanted. The baby was perfectly content to sit and explore all day. I looked around and saw dozens of different flowers, trees; the handmade swingset; vines twisting every which way. There I was, in green pastures, beside still waters. My mind, although it has often been down this week and in torment, was at that moment, still, thinking about the goodness of our Lord & Savior, and how beautiful His creation is, how creative He is. So different from a year ago. He has brought me graciously to this place. A place where my mind and soul can be restored, and it so very much needs it. I am so grateful.

4 Even though I walk
through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.
5 You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.
6 Surely goodness and love will follow me
all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the LORD
forever.

Do You Ever Feel Lost?

Do you ever feel that you are just wandering this earth, lost and alone? Do you ever feel that your cries are not heard? Or that your prayers are hitting the ceiling, but going nowhere else? Ever feel that you're suffering in silence, and no one else on earth knows what you're going through?
I feel that way sometimes. Often, actually.
Sometimes I wonder especially if the prayers I've been praying for years on end have gone in one of God's ears and out the other. When I haven't heard a word from Him in a while, I wonder if He has forgotten me. When I feel forgotten by people, I wonder if the Lord of Creation has forgotten me as well. When I can't trust people, when they break their promises, it makes me wonder how trustworthy my Yahweh is.
And then I just feel more lost, and more alone. Here I am on this planet, unseen.

But here is the good news.

1 O LORD, you have searched me
and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue
you know it completely, O LORD.
5 You hem me in—behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.
7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.

God is always watching me. He knows my every move, my every thought. Even when I am in the depths of despair, when I am feeling so bad I feel like crawling under a rock, The Lord knows.

17 How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!

God is always thinking about me. He thinks about me ALL the time- and even better, He is always thinking GOOD thoughts about me. He's not sitting there thinking, "What's the next rotten thing I can do to screw up her life? How can I give her a hard time?" He's thinking, "How can I help her become more like my Son? How can I bless her?"

No matter how lost and alone I may feel, my Yahweh knows where I am. No matter how forgotten I feel, my Yahweh is always thinking about me.

I am not lost. He knows where I am.

I once was lost, but now am found.

Be Still and Know that I am God

Earier I posted about how I was waiting on God. About waiting expectently for Him to show up.
But I am often running around like a chicken with my head cut off in my daily life. The laundry needs done, the baby needs a bottle, the dogs need let in and out 14 times, I am reading 3 books at the same time and doing a Bible study, I'm checking my e-mail to see if someone might actually write to me, another load of laundry goes in. Even when I do sit down, I'm popping up literally every 5 minutes. My mind is always racing. I have idea after idea, projects I start but have so much on my mind its hard to follow through with everything. .

God is probably trying to send blessings down from Heaven to chase me down all the time, but I'm never sitting still long enough for them to catch me. (Note to self: mention medication to my doctor tomorrow morning!)

Even last summer when I was in the midst of a tormented afternoon, begging God for help with a particularly heart-wrenching situation I've been in for over a year, I asked Him "WHAT do you want me to DO about all this?" His answer: Let Me do it.
But do I ? No, I'm too busy running around trying to do everything and be God Junior. Which by the way, I'm lousy at.

So last night I was determined to be still. God is always, always reminding me to just BE STILL.
Keep in mind, I was not made to be still. Even when I'm exhausted or sick, I am just.not.still.

But last night I was determined to be still, and allow God to catch up with me. I needed to just BE, and allow Him to pour some love down on me. I even had planned out what I was going to say: Here I am God. Just me. I'm not going to DO anything. I'm just going to lay here, and let you pay some attention to me, this little person that you made that you say is good, and let you comfort me with your love because I NEED it. Okay. Thanks.

For a while I put it off. A couple hours, actually. You know why? I was afraid that God would not show up. I was afraid He would be too busy. I was afraid I had messed up too much yesterday. I was afraid for a moment even that God isn't really real, so what was the sense in setting myself up. I was afraid that God would disappoint me like people disappoint me. I was afraid that God would do this for other people, but not me. Let me tell you, if there is someone God could skip over, it would be me. Of all the sinners and low people in the world, I am one of the sinny-est and lowest. (So you totally know that I could go into the fact that God loves us ALL no matter how much we have screwed up, God IS really real, God is not a man that He should lie, God is NOT like people are, that what God will do for one person He can do for every person even me, right?) So I put it off until bedtime.

I climbed in bed and took a chance. During my prayer time, I thanked God for verses like these: Psalm 147:11the LORD delights in those who fear him, who put their hope in his unfailing love . Psalm 22:5They cried to you and were saved; in you they trusted and were not disappointed. Told Him thank you for all my daily little things I'm grateful for.

A minute later, I was asleep.
This morning I woke up thinking...man...well, so much for that.
Then this verse from Zepheniah came to my heart: he will quiet you with his love.
And I realized something: God did show up last night.
While I was praying last night, I fell asleep awfully fast. Normally, I lay there full of anxiety, tossing and turning. Last night, while talking to God about needing Him to show up, I was asleep in a minute flat. God quickly calmed my mind. And then I realized another thing. My husband had come into the room at some point last night and prayed over me. God used my husband to comfort me as well.

When I finally took the time to just BE STILL, and obey what God has been telling me to do, GOD SHOWED UP. He showed up last night as Love and quietness and stilled my mind, when I actually took the chance on being still. Hm.

Lesson learned.

Just a girl waiting.

He [God] Himself has said, I will not in any way fail you nor give you up nor leave you without support. [I will] not, [I will] not, [I will] not in any degree leave you helpless nor forsake nor let [you] down (relax My hold on you)! [Assuredly not!] (Amplified Bible) Hebrews 13:5

I am having a hard time this week. Dealing with some old things. Feeling past hurts that are presently up in my face and wringing my heart. Missing some people so much that at times it hurts too much to even breathe.
Aching for prayers to be answered, ones I have prayed so fervently and so longingly that God surely, surely realizes how important they are to me... yet He continues to remain silent. Telling God over and over, "I need you, please talk to me," but I don't hear him, don't see him. Times this week when I want so much to just take a break from the world and say "I give in"-- but its not an option. I wouldn't let myself, and God wouldn't let me. Broken heart and all, reminding God I need him, and hoping that today he will show up in a big way. So far today he hasn't...not in a way that I can tell. [Or rather I should say, not in the way that my limited, insightless, fleshly mind WANTS him to. ]

So Hebrews 13:5 I hang on to: He says he is here. Even if I don't feel him, don't hear him... don't see anything happening in the things I desperately pray for... He says he is.

Some days are a little more than I can bear.
Today I tried to join a new group. Art group. I was going to put myself :out there: again. Go be my shiny, here's-God-working-in-me-see-what-he's-doing, watch me smile some more self. The New Creation self, not the old, rotten me self that I've had going on for years. I failed tonight. Pretty well. There was someone in the group who smelled just like the person I am deep in grief, heartbroken over today. Already was upset, and I couldn't contain myself anymore. Smelling her there without her being there was just too much. I barely made it out the door. My heart aches too much.

I don't have a profound way to end this entry today. I am just a girl waiting on God to show up. I am just a girl aching for comfort. Just a girl waiting for God to do a miracle in me, in my life, in my heart. Just a girl waiting.