Longing for Connection

God made us to have relationships. Not just with Him, the ultimate relationship, but also with other people. Friends and family members talking, celebrating together, checking on each other, being there for one another. He made people to fellowship with another.
That is something that I am longing for so much.

Most of my life I have been a loner. Mainly because I am so shy and don't have the best of social skills. I try to talk, and words don't come out right. I hear what I want to say in my head, but trying to get them out of my mouth--that's another story. So mostly when I hang out with people, I just listen. Many people have told me that I have a gift as a great listener. I don't know that my husband would say that. He knows how much I struggle with ADD and how hard it is for me to pay attention. But when someone is in trouble and needs someone to talk to, I'm the girl.

What I'm longing for right now is real friends. Meaningful friendships. Not the get-together-once-a-month because its a group thing type of things that I've been doing. Not the see-you-at-the-next-pottery-class type thing. What I long for is the type of friend who would call to check on me when they know I'm having a hard time (like this week). The kind of friend who I could call up to go see a movie, like chick flicks that my husband isn't interested in. The kind of friend I could text back and forth during a long work day Whatcha doin'?-nothin'-whatchya having for lunch today-hey guess what the baby rolled over all by herself--well guess WHAT my boss is wearing a tie with coffee stains-what time do you get off work today? Just meaningless stuff like that at times, but someone I know I can count on to be there for me, and someone who can count of me to be there for them.

God knows the desires of our heart. The Bible tells us this. Surely He has heard the prayer I have sent up to him since I was 12 years old that I would like a real friend. Surely He has seen that I have had two "friends" who said they were friends, who both broke my heart after a time with their incredible cruelness. Surely God knows that I am still waiting, that I am lonely and that I still pray. God made us to have friends and be with others.

Its still my hope that some day God will answer my prayer.That some day He will answer it and because I had to wait so long and because the wait was so hard that He'll answer it in a BIG way. Not just one friend, but a lot of friends. Not just a good friend, but an incredible friend. Not just a good connection, but an incredibly close connection. So I wait, and pray.

In the mean time, I still diligently seek the One who sticks closer than a brother, and still seek the face of Jesus, and try to learn more about him. How I want so much to feel him close to me. How I want so much to know he is near. How I long for his comfort, especially lately while I go through hard & lonely times. He is the only friend who will never disappoint me, the only friend who will never leave me, never abandon me, never speak against me, and never go away.

But I hope its okay that I also want someone to go to the movies with, go to the mall with, and text at work.

Lessons from my little buddy

I have a little friend that I visit as often as I can. I have a picture of me

last year with him. You can't see him very well because he's behind the fence, but he is a small black dog. Through this little hole where a slat is missing in the fence in his owner's yard is how we have built our entire relationship in the past couple of years. I met him when taking a walk to the park one day.

I don't know his name but I call him "Puppy" or "Buddy". Secretly, I take him dog biscuits, toys, and the occassional towel to use as a blanket. His owner probably has no idea where these mysterious things come from. I'd probably be surprised if I ever found out his real name. For some reason, "Buddy" suits him best to me; if I found out his real name was Goliath or something, that'd be hard to wrap my mind around.

Even though our contact is limited by how far I can reach into his fence, this little guy has become an important part of my life. I know he looks forward to me visiting. He waits for me; he listens for my voice when my husband and I are out for walks. When he hears me talking, we see his little black nose stick as far out the fence as it will reach. He's always glad to see me--something I appreciate because I often feel unwanted and unappreciated-- and he always jumps around for me, greeting me with great enthusiasm whether I have cookies for him or not. He's just glad to see me. He's just glad I'm me. My husband says that if he goes for a walk without me, the puppy isn't nearly so enthusiastic about his greetings; he'll lick my husband's hand politely, but I'm the one he's looking for.

Its with this little puppy that I not only feel wanted, but I also keep my word. He is lonely and in need of company. My little gifts to him, and especially my time of talking to him through the fence and my thrice-weekly visits (more often if I can help it) mean a lot to him. And whenever its time for me to go I tell him, "I'll be back-- I'm coming back." I know how important it is to be able to count on someone to keep their word-and how devastating it is when they don't keep it. This year after someone stopped keeping their word to me, I started saying to Buddy, "I mean it-- I'm coming back. I promise." I do keep my word. Times when I wanted to give up, I remind myself: I have given my word to people to not give up. I have told this puppy I am coming back to visit him, and I must; I've told him so. He's waiting for me. He's counting on me.

I've never been able to hold this little guy or do more than scratch his tummy, but he's taught me some good lessons.

1) Show people that you're happy they are there. Even if all they can offer you is a scratch on the tummy because they forgot to bring you a cookie. So, maybe you won't go around licking people's hands, but a simple 'thanks' goes a long way too.

2) Keep your word to people. No matter what. If you say you're going to be there, be there. Don't make excuses like its raining (yes, I visit him in the rain) or I don't know what to do with you anymore or I forgot about you or well I didn't think you wanted to hear from me anymore.

The puppy is always waiting for me. I told him I was going to be there. He doesn't want to hear excuses.

3) Make time for things that other people don't notice. I think the reason this puppy loves me so much is because dozens of other people walk by his little hole in the fence every day on the path that leads to the park. But one day, I stopped when I saw this little nose sticking out. Because of that little kindness that one day, he has given me his endless love.