I brought this up in replying to someone on my message board and thought it might be helpful to copy it here. This is something that I have learned that has been very, very helpful in moving beyond my past, getting beyond guilt, and moving thru things a bit. You're welcome to add your own thoughts or ask me questions if you like.
If you feel like you are a bad person because bad things happened, or if you feel like you're a bad person because someone made you do bad things, or if you even are caught up in an eating disorder, or you're a cutter, or you're an alcoholic, or because things happened in a cult and you were part of it, or you were raped 1/2/10 times, and you're convinced that THOSE things make you BAD, or you "must be bad because otherwise those things wouldn't have happened"...read on:
You need to learn to separate your "Who" and your "Do."
WHO you are is a good person, a child who was hurt and injured and has a hurty heart and that many people like and you are loved, and you are loved by God (whether you realize this or not.) You are a good person who is here on this planet for a reason and you are important. You are valuable and good.
Now... your DO. You may, like ALL of us, screw up sometimes. You may do some bad things. You may do some bad things on purpose sometimes. So do I...so do most people. Sometimes you may do bad things on accident. You may be doing things because you're re-enacting traumatic events that happened to you, and trying to resolve them by acting them out. Lots of reasons. So yah, you, like all of us, may do some bad stuff.
However... the things you DO are not who you are. Your WHO and your DO are separate.
I can go sit in my garage ALL day long, make car noises, and pour oil in my lap-- but that doesn't make me a car. The WHO of me is still a person.
I can go around the neighborhood barking like a dog and wearing a collar, but that doesn't make me a dog. The who of me is still me... Pilgrim
I can go swear at my neighbor because they won't turn down their music at midnight, which probably isn't very helpful of me, but that doesn't make me a bad person. It makes me a tired person who is tired of listening to Guns and Roses at midnight when I want to be asleep.
My WHO and my DO are separate.
Just like yours.
So...you can do some bad things, but no... you are not bad. You are good. You may act up sometimes, inside kids may act up sometimes, but they are not bad either. Keep your who and your do separated.
Showing posts with label self. Show all posts
Showing posts with label self. Show all posts
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Monday, September 14, 2009
Eyes Open and Taking Risks
Ever lived life with your eyes closed? Ever become aware that you're doing that, but been content to stay that way? Safer, that may be.
Safer, but it gets boring after a while. Leaves you hanging, wondering, "what if?"
Ever started to ponder, if i opened my eyes a little I wonder what I'd see?
Scarier, but the possibility of adventure is there.
Sometimes the Lord opens our eyes. Sometimes life's tragic events open our eyes. Maybe a little of both or neither or a combination of other things.
The past few months my eyes have been opening a bit here and there.
Sometimes on places I didn't even know my eyes were closed.
Ever been like that? Your eyes open and you realize, "Ohhh.... I had no idea."
You see things with a new view. A new perspective.
You realize that you've outgrown something. Or you are ready to move into something else.
Or maybe, you are ready to stay where you are for a little while longer.
The point is, though, that you finally SEE.
You finally see.
I have been taking a lot of risks lately. God has been opening my eyes on some things. Although I still have far, far to go, some things I see with new eyes. In some things, I decide to stay a little longer. In some things I decide to change my viewpoint. Sometimes when I open my eyes I realize I have already been changed, already have moved on--without realizing it. That is always a little odd-sort of a "whoa, how did I get here?" sort of feeling. Sometimes taking risks now is a lot easier than it used to be. "Oh this? This is no problem now. Used to scare me out of my pants, but now it's old hat." Sometimes the risks still take my breath away. Sometimes I still cannot find my way out of a paperbag.
But the point is, I still now see. I no longer hold my eyes shut tight. I have become willing to open them. At least I now SEE.
Safer, but it gets boring after a while. Leaves you hanging, wondering, "what if?"
Ever started to ponder, if i opened my eyes a little I wonder what I'd see?
Scarier, but the possibility of adventure is there.
Sometimes the Lord opens our eyes. Sometimes life's tragic events open our eyes. Maybe a little of both or neither or a combination of other things.
The past few months my eyes have been opening a bit here and there.
Sometimes on places I didn't even know my eyes were closed.
Ever been like that? Your eyes open and you realize, "Ohhh.... I had no idea."
You see things with a new view. A new perspective.
You realize that you've outgrown something. Or you are ready to move into something else.
Or maybe, you are ready to stay where you are for a little while longer.
The point is, though, that you finally SEE.
You finally see.
I have been taking a lot of risks lately. God has been opening my eyes on some things. Although I still have far, far to go, some things I see with new eyes. In some things, I decide to stay a little longer. In some things I decide to change my viewpoint. Sometimes when I open my eyes I realize I have already been changed, already have moved on--without realizing it. That is always a little odd-sort of a "whoa, how did I get here?" sort of feeling. Sometimes taking risks now is a lot easier than it used to be. "Oh this? This is no problem now. Used to scare me out of my pants, but now it's old hat." Sometimes the risks still take my breath away. Sometimes I still cannot find my way out of a paperbag.
But the point is, I still now see. I no longer hold my eyes shut tight. I have become willing to open them. At least I now SEE.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Who do you protect? Who do you project?
Was thinking about this the other day...about the inside me and the outside me. How over the years I've gone through stages where the inner me was quite different from the outer me. The one inside who I protected, hid away from me, was so different from the outside me, the one I presented to the world, that the two probably wouldn't have even recognized each other had they met on the street! Especially during teenage years, when I wanted to be accepted by my peers, when I put on makeup and tried to wear the "right " clothes, and then again when I was starting my teaching career, and wore what I thought a "Real Teacher" would wear, read what I thought Real Teachers wore, and talked about what I thought Real Teachers talked about. And it even went beyond that: I kept the real, deep, secret parts of me hidden (things I did wrong, everything about me I considered was sub-standard, not good enough, was ugly) because I wanted to be a Real Person.
Throughout my life, through people I had met, and their actions against me, things people had said and done, had me convinced, that I was not good, that I was a nobody. I therefore concluded I was not a Real Person... on the inside. But on the outside, I did everything I could think of to BE a Real Person, even though I wasn't. I tried to wear makeup, I tried to say the right things, I tried to be there for everyone, I was intelligent and well-read. But inside, I hid my shyness and fears and rejected side. My self-esteem was rock-bottom sometimes. But that is not what I projected. On the outside, I was a popular teacher that all the students loved. Parents requested that their children be put in my class. In fact, my class was a blast, where hurting children were loved and healed. By the outside me. The inside me though, stayed hidden.
The one I protected, and the one I projected, were so far apart. And, I figured, never the two sides shall meet. And that was fine.by.me.
And then.
It started causing me too many problems. I realized that while it may not be hurting others, it was hurting .... ME. And even hurting God.
God created me. He created me for a reason. With a purpose. He created me inside and out.
God searches me and even knows my heart. He knows everything I am ever going to think or say. And God loves the truth, because he IS Truth. He didn't create me to be a false person. He created me to be ME. He created my personality. He didn't create me to put on an act or a show.
It was last year when I started realizing that, when I wanted to correct that disparity between the inside me and the outside me, that things actually started to come closer together. The one I protected and the one I projected started to become one.
First, I started by becoming more concerned about what God thinks of me than what people think of me. And by the way, God thinks I'm wonderful (Psalm 139:14), He thinks I'm precious, and I'm the apple of His eye. People are fickle--their opinions, sadly, can change in the blink of an eye, as I've witnessed too many times to count. But God is not a man that He should lie. God will never change. He is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow. (Those are all in the Bible too, though I lack the Scripture references right now.) He will ALWAYS think I'm wonderful, no matter what. That's something pretty cool. Even if I screw up royally (which I sometimes do), its good to know that God loves me unconditionally and without reproach. He will ALWAYS lovingly accept me back into His huge, comforting arms.
Second, I started making my insides match my outsides. I got my thought life turned around. Books and tapes by Joyce Meyer and Beth Moore helped a LOT, like Battlefield of the Mind & Me and My Big Mouth by Joyce, and Get Yourself Out of That Pit by Beth totally turned my world around. I started reading Proverbs, which has little nuggets of wisdom on how to live a better life. I will only touch on this briefly & will make another post about it-- but I realized the Bible is filled with promises God makes, that basically say, "If you will do X, I will do Y for you". So I started doing X's, and God started doing Y's.... and WOW it works!! You can always count on God to come through for you. You will NEVER be disappointed if you count on God. He is not like people. Thank goodness, because at the beginning of 2008 I had had enough with people.
Third, (thirdly? I never taught anything past 2nd grade even when I subbed... my grammar can be really lousy, sorry)... Third/ly, I have made it one of my goals to make the inside me and the outside me not just know one another, but to be best friends ;) . How? I got rid of some things. Something didn't match up to the Real Me (the me God wants me to be, not that fake Real Person I thought I had to be to be accepted).... then I dropped it...or am in the process of dropping it. Some clothes got given away. Some websites I used to visit frequently...don't go there anymore, because they have lots of negative/ gossipy people... people I used to want SO badly to be "friends" with...now I realize, those people were NOT my friends. I pick and choose my friends more carefully now. Got rid of a bunch of books and magazines on subjects that I no longer need in my house. Gave some things away. Stuff like that. I pick and choose NEW things more carefully--I ask myself-- is this something that is going to edify my life? Will this build me or or tear me down? Is this life affirming? Anyway, I think you get the point.
By the way, everything I said that God thinks of ME, He thinks of YOU, too.
So who do you protect? Who do you project? How far apart are your inside and outside? How can you bring them closer together?
Throughout my life, through people I had met, and their actions against me, things people had said and done, had me convinced, that I was not good, that I was a nobody. I therefore concluded I was not a Real Person... on the inside. But on the outside, I did everything I could think of to BE a Real Person, even though I wasn't. I tried to wear makeup, I tried to say the right things, I tried to be there for everyone, I was intelligent and well-read. But inside, I hid my shyness and fears and rejected side. My self-esteem was rock-bottom sometimes. But that is not what I projected. On the outside, I was a popular teacher that all the students loved. Parents requested that their children be put in my class. In fact, my class was a blast, where hurting children were loved and healed. By the outside me. The inside me though, stayed hidden.
The one I protected, and the one I projected, were so far apart. And, I figured, never the two sides shall meet. And that was fine.by.me.
And then.
It started causing me too many problems. I realized that while it may not be hurting others, it was hurting .... ME. And even hurting God.
God created me. He created me for a reason. With a purpose. He created me inside and out.
God searches me and even knows my heart. He knows everything I am ever going to think or say. And God loves the truth, because he IS Truth. He didn't create me to be a false person. He created me to be ME. He created my personality. He didn't create me to put on an act or a show.
It was last year when I started realizing that, when I wanted to correct that disparity between the inside me and the outside me, that things actually started to come closer together. The one I protected and the one I projected started to become one.
First, I started by becoming more concerned about what God thinks of me than what people think of me. And by the way, God thinks I'm wonderful (Psalm 139:14), He thinks I'm precious, and I'm the apple of His eye. People are fickle--their opinions, sadly, can change in the blink of an eye, as I've witnessed too many times to count. But God is not a man that He should lie. God will never change. He is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow. (Those are all in the Bible too, though I lack the Scripture references right now.) He will ALWAYS think I'm wonderful, no matter what. That's something pretty cool. Even if I screw up royally (which I sometimes do), its good to know that God loves me unconditionally and without reproach. He will ALWAYS lovingly accept me back into His huge, comforting arms.
Second, I started making my insides match my outsides. I got my thought life turned around. Books and tapes by Joyce Meyer and Beth Moore helped a LOT, like Battlefield of the Mind & Me and My Big Mouth by Joyce, and Get Yourself Out of That Pit by Beth totally turned my world around. I started reading Proverbs, which has little nuggets of wisdom on how to live a better life. I will only touch on this briefly & will make another post about it-- but I realized the Bible is filled with promises God makes, that basically say, "If you will do X, I will do Y for you". So I started doing X's, and God started doing Y's.... and WOW it works!! You can always count on God to come through for you. You will NEVER be disappointed if you count on God. He is not like people. Thank goodness, because at the beginning of 2008 I had had enough with people.
Third, (thirdly? I never taught anything past 2nd grade even when I subbed... my grammar can be really lousy, sorry)... Third/ly, I have made it one of my goals to make the inside me and the outside me not just know one another, but to be best friends ;) . How? I got rid of some things. Something didn't match up to the Real Me (the me God wants me to be, not that fake Real Person I thought I had to be to be accepted).... then I dropped it...or am in the process of dropping it. Some clothes got given away. Some websites I used to visit frequently...don't go there anymore, because they have lots of negative/ gossipy people... people I used to want SO badly to be "friends" with...now I realize, those people were NOT my friends. I pick and choose my friends more carefully now. Got rid of a bunch of books and magazines on subjects that I no longer need in my house. Gave some things away. Stuff like that. I pick and choose NEW things more carefully--I ask myself-- is this something that is going to edify my life? Will this build me or or tear me down? Is this life affirming? Anyway, I think you get the point.
By the way, everything I said that God thinks of ME, He thinks of YOU, too.
So who do you protect? Who do you project? How far apart are your inside and outside? How can you bring them closer together?
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Freedom
Tonight I was looking back at the beginnings of this blog.
I started it in early September of last year, when I was still teaching.
And a little bit of a WOW at myself and a lot of WOW at God.
Because I have changed so much even since then.
Even in September and October I was so lonely and hurt and wanting someplace to belong. Still seaching for something or someone to fill me and make me better.
No longer am I in that place and I feel so much better.
There is of course, still an ache inside because of things that happened. My heart has a pain in it that I think about every day, that I pray every day for God to take it away. And of course I would enjoy being liked and accepted. But it is not necessary. I don't NEED to be liked by others, because I no longer worry about what other people think. I do not NEED to belong anywhere. And I have places where I am liked and accepted. When I started liking and accepting myself, people started liking and accepting me. Go figure that one! I have people who want to be friends. In fact, my phone even rang just a couple days ago with an offer to go out to lunch with 2 people who want to be friends with me. And I am comfortable with myself. Not that I don't have my ugly/fat moments but they are just moments, not all day knock-down-drag-outs with the mirror anymore. And if I get in a really bad mood, I just have a come-t0-Jesus-meeting with myself and get things straightened out inside so my whole day isn't ruined.
How completely weird is that?
Thank you thank you thank you,God.
Now I am in such a place that I can offer help and hope to others.
How can that even be? Except to say that God is good.
I have a lot to work on. I have a LOOOOOONG way to go. But as Joyce Meyer says, I might not be where I need to be, but thank God, I'm not where I used to be.
I started it in early September of last year, when I was still teaching.
And a little bit of a WOW at myself and a lot of WOW at God.
Because I have changed so much even since then.
Even in September and October I was so lonely and hurt and wanting someplace to belong. Still seaching for something or someone to fill me and make me better.
No longer am I in that place and I feel so much better.
There is of course, still an ache inside because of things that happened. My heart has a pain in it that I think about every day, that I pray every day for God to take it away. And of course I would enjoy being liked and accepted. But it is not necessary. I don't NEED to be liked by others, because I no longer worry about what other people think. I do not NEED to belong anywhere. And I have places where I am liked and accepted. When I started liking and accepting myself, people started liking and accepting me. Go figure that one! I have people who want to be friends. In fact, my phone even rang just a couple days ago with an offer to go out to lunch with 2 people who want to be friends with me. And I am comfortable with myself. Not that I don't have my ugly/fat moments but they are just moments, not all day knock-down-drag-outs with the mirror anymore. And if I get in a really bad mood, I just have a come-t0-Jesus-meeting with myself and get things straightened out inside so my whole day isn't ruined.
How completely weird is that?
Thank you thank you thank you,God.
Now I am in such a place that I can offer help and hope to others.
How can that even be? Except to say that God is good.
I have a lot to work on. I have a LOOOOOONG way to go. But as Joyce Meyer says, I might not be where I need to be, but thank God, I'm not where I used to be.
Friday, February 6, 2009
Thinking about my future
Just looking for some thoughts! I have SO many options. Since quitting teaching and becoming a nanny, I am no longer stressed out & crazy busy like I used to be. I actually have time to THINK and be calm now.
The baby sleeps a good deal of the day, so I have time to be online & to study.
I just took a really hard exam to add on my regular education teaching certification to my profile in case I ever decide to go back to teaching--that thing was freaking HARD--but I managed to get an A, of all surprises. So I have that, in case I ever decide to teach again. (No more special ed for me, thank goodness.)
But I have lots more options than that. Some new friends of mine are massage therapists, a couple work in natural health care, and a couple are pastors. They ALL seem to really really love their jobs.I think I would really love to do ANY of those things.I would love to work in ministry. I would love to be a massage therapist. I would love to work in natural healthcare. I would love to work in a nursing home. I would love to work as a children's minister. I would love to work in missions in other countries, or even on the streets of America. I could homeschool other people's children. I could open my own preschool. I could....do lots of things.
The family I work for would like me to stay with them for five to ten years to raise their children (which is great because I love this family). But babies won't be babies forever, and eventually I will move on to something else.
So I was thinking, I have a lot of time to study and do things online during the day-- I could get a degree online. But in what? Health care? Theology? More teaching degrees? I have prayed and prayed, but God hasn't given me anything specific yet.
It has been a LONG LONG time (nearly twenty years) since I was in a position to decide "what do I want to do with my life?"... so I am up in the air right now about this.
The baby sleeps a good deal of the day, so I have time to be online & to study.
I just took a really hard exam to add on my regular education teaching certification to my profile in case I ever decide to go back to teaching--that thing was freaking HARD--but I managed to get an A, of all surprises. So I have that, in case I ever decide to teach again. (No more special ed for me, thank goodness.)
But I have lots more options than that. Some new friends of mine are massage therapists, a couple work in natural health care, and a couple are pastors. They ALL seem to really really love their jobs.I think I would really love to do ANY of those things.I would love to work in ministry. I would love to be a massage therapist. I would love to work in natural healthcare. I would love to work in a nursing home. I would love to work as a children's minister. I would love to work in missions in other countries, or even on the streets of America. I could homeschool other people's children. I could open my own preschool. I could....do lots of things.
The family I work for would like me to stay with them for five to ten years to raise their children (which is great because I love this family). But babies won't be babies forever, and eventually I will move on to something else.
So I was thinking, I have a lot of time to study and do things online during the day-- I could get a degree online. But in what? Health care? Theology? More teaching degrees? I have prayed and prayed, but God hasn't given me anything specific yet.
It has been a LONG LONG time (nearly twenty years) since I was in a position to decide "what do I want to do with my life?"... so I am up in the air right now about this.
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