1 I waited patiently for the LORD;
he turned to me and heard my cry.
2 He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.
3 He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear the LORD
and put their trust in him.
Psalm 40:1-3
I am in the midst of deep grief. I guess losing my dog last weekend was the last straw. The breaking point of several months of losses, broken dreams, and bad news.
There aren't words for it. I haven't really got anyone to talk to about it anyway. I don't know why God is allowing all these things to happen. Some times it seems like there will be no end to the sorrow. Sometimes I wonder what's going to happen next...and its not a happy thought.
I have been trying to sleep in order to escape; in those moments when I am falling asleep, at least I know there is nothing I have to do, no problems I have to solve right now. Just slip into sleep, and that's that. Although I don't sleep well, at least its still a bit of an escape from my worries and the ache in my heart. I wonder where God is. I wonder when my comfort will come. I wonder when something is going to happen to make all this pain feel like its been worth it.
But this I believe. I choose to believe.
God is still good. He hears my prayers. He will, someday, make all things right. Someday, whether its on this earth or not, my heart will be healed and whole again.
Showing posts with label grief. Show all posts
Showing posts with label grief. Show all posts
Saturday, July 16, 2011
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Happy Birthday Babydoll
Eight years is not very long.
Especially if that's your entire lifetime.
That isn't even long enough to make it into the national census.
It is a long time to be in pain though. A long time to be a child who has to fight will illness that lands you in the hospital every few weeks, taking medicines, getting shots, missing school, missing your friends.
But it isn't very long to run and play, or check for presents under the Christmas tree, or have sleepovers, or get enough hugs and kisses.
And it definitely isn't long enough if you're someone who loved that child.
Today a little girl I had in my class for nearly 3 years would be turning 9 years old. There isn't any good way at all to talk about how she died last year, so I won't even try. She was here, and then all of a sudden she was not. There isn't any good way to talk about a child's funeral, so I won't. It was horrible, and that's all. Watching her mother cry over the tiny casket was one of the most heart-wrenching things I've ever witnessed, and I hope I never see something like that again.
I'll call her Babydoll, because that's what I called her most often in my classroom. She was teensy- tiny. She came to me in a wheelchair and not talking and had an angry/sad face. I was determined to turn her around. I made her get up and walk. I wouldn't give her a snack until she asked for it. I made faces at her to get her to smile. Mean teacher, I was. Also effective. The 1st time we walked down the hallway (a 2 minute trip for the rest of the kids) it took her 18 minutes. I walked with her. After three years, the hallway trip only took her 3 minutes. After 3 years, she would tell me stories about things that happened at home, and she laughed and played on the playground. She would crawl up in my lap on days it hurt too much for her to walk. I taught her to do addition and write her name and name her letters.
She taught me to love more selflessly. And patience. Much, much patience as we walked, oh so slowly up and down the hallway, time and time again.
I would love to be inspirational and say that I know she's in Heaven with Jesus running around and not in pain anymore (which I know she is) and how that's enough just to know she's okay. But really I just wish she was with her mom and dad and her little sisters right now, opening up a new Dora doll and blowing out candles on her birthday cake. Even though I know that she's in heaven right now where there are no more tears, no more medicines, no more shots.... really right now I just wish she was right here where I could pull her up in my lap one more time and hear her laugh, and wish her happy birthday and walk with her down the hallway one more time.
Happy Birthday Babydoll.
Especially if that's your entire lifetime.
That isn't even long enough to make it into the national census.
It is a long time to be in pain though. A long time to be a child who has to fight will illness that lands you in the hospital every few weeks, taking medicines, getting shots, missing school, missing your friends.
But it isn't very long to run and play, or check for presents under the Christmas tree, or have sleepovers, or get enough hugs and kisses.
And it definitely isn't long enough if you're someone who loved that child.
Today a little girl I had in my class for nearly 3 years would be turning 9 years old. There isn't any good way at all to talk about how she died last year, so I won't even try. She was here, and then all of a sudden she was not. There isn't any good way to talk about a child's funeral, so I won't. It was horrible, and that's all. Watching her mother cry over the tiny casket was one of the most heart-wrenching things I've ever witnessed, and I hope I never see something like that again.
I'll call her Babydoll, because that's what I called her most often in my classroom. She was teensy- tiny. She came to me in a wheelchair and not talking and had an angry/sad face. I was determined to turn her around. I made her get up and walk. I wouldn't give her a snack until she asked for it. I made faces at her to get her to smile. Mean teacher, I was. Also effective. The 1st time we walked down the hallway (a 2 minute trip for the rest of the kids) it took her 18 minutes. I walked with her. After three years, the hallway trip only took her 3 minutes. After 3 years, she would tell me stories about things that happened at home, and she laughed and played on the playground. She would crawl up in my lap on days it hurt too much for her to walk. I taught her to do addition and write her name and name her letters.
She taught me to love more selflessly. And patience. Much, much patience as we walked, oh so slowly up and down the hallway, time and time again.
I would love to be inspirational and say that I know she's in Heaven with Jesus running around and not in pain anymore (which I know she is) and how that's enough just to know she's okay. But really I just wish she was with her mom and dad and her little sisters right now, opening up a new Dora doll and blowing out candles on her birthday cake. Even though I know that she's in heaven right now where there are no more tears, no more medicines, no more shots.... really right now I just wish she was right here where I could pull her up in my lap one more time and hear her laugh, and wish her happy birthday and walk with her down the hallway one more time.
Happy Birthday Babydoll.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Just a girl waiting.
He [God] Himself has said, I will not in any way fail you nor give you up nor leave you without support. [I will] not, [I will] not, [I will] not in any degree leave you helpless nor forsake nor let [you] down (relax My hold on you)! [Assuredly not!] (Amplified Bible) Hebrews 13:5
I am having a hard time this week. Dealing with some old things. Feeling past hurts that are presently up in my face and wringing my heart. Missing some people so much that at times it hurts too much to even breathe.
Aching for prayers to be answered, ones I have prayed so fervently and so longingly that God surely, surely realizes how important they are to me... yet He continues to remain silent. Telling God over and over, "I need you, please talk to me," but I don't hear him, don't see him. Times this week when I want so much to just take a break from the world and say "I give in"-- but its not an option. I wouldn't let myself, and God wouldn't let me. Broken heart and all, reminding God I need him, and hoping that today he will show up in a big way. So far today he hasn't...not in a way that I can tell. [Or rather I should say, not in the way that my limited, insightless, fleshly mind WANTS him to. ]
So Hebrews 13:5 I hang on to: He says he is here. Even if I don't feel him, don't hear him... don't see anything happening in the things I desperately pray for... He says he is.
Some days are a little more than I can bear.
Today I tried to join a new group. Art group. I was going to put myself :out there: again. Go be my shiny, here's-God-working-in-me-see-what-he's-doing, watch me smile some more self. The New Creation self, not the old, rotten me self that I've had going on for years. I failed tonight. Pretty well. There was someone in the group who smelled just like the person I am deep in grief, heartbroken over today. Already was upset, and I couldn't contain myself anymore. Smelling her there without her being there was just too much. I barely made it out the door. My heart aches too much.
I don't have a profound way to end this entry today. I am just a girl waiting on God to show up. I am just a girl aching for comfort. Just a girl waiting for God to do a miracle in me, in my life, in my heart. Just a girl waiting.
I am having a hard time this week. Dealing with some old things. Feeling past hurts that are presently up in my face and wringing my heart. Missing some people so much that at times it hurts too much to even breathe.
Aching for prayers to be answered, ones I have prayed so fervently and so longingly that God surely, surely realizes how important they are to me... yet He continues to remain silent. Telling God over and over, "I need you, please talk to me," but I don't hear him, don't see him. Times this week when I want so much to just take a break from the world and say "I give in"-- but its not an option. I wouldn't let myself, and God wouldn't let me. Broken heart and all, reminding God I need him, and hoping that today he will show up in a big way. So far today he hasn't...not in a way that I can tell. [Or rather I should say, not in the way that my limited, insightless, fleshly mind WANTS him to. ]
So Hebrews 13:5 I hang on to: He says he is here. Even if I don't feel him, don't hear him... don't see anything happening in the things I desperately pray for... He says he is.
Some days are a little more than I can bear.
Today I tried to join a new group. Art group. I was going to put myself :out there: again. Go be my shiny, here's-God-working-in-me-see-what-he's-doing, watch me smile some more self. The New Creation self, not the old, rotten me self that I've had going on for years. I failed tonight. Pretty well. There was someone in the group who smelled just like the person I am deep in grief, heartbroken over today. Already was upset, and I couldn't contain myself anymore. Smelling her there without her being there was just too much. I barely made it out the door. My heart aches too much.
I don't have a profound way to end this entry today. I am just a girl waiting on God to show up. I am just a girl aching for comfort. Just a girl waiting for God to do a miracle in me, in my life, in my heart. Just a girl waiting.
Sunday, September 28, 2008
The death of a child
One of my old students has passed away. I don't know how to handle it. She was only 7 years old. She was in my class for over 2 years and we were very close. She was probably my favorite student I ever had. It has really upset me. I guess I don't have a lot to say about it... but it has made me really close in on myself the past couple of days. She brought such joy to my classroom. I used to be disappointed the days that she missed school. Some students just really touch my heart...and she was one of them.
There just should not be such things as small coffins.
Upate July 09: I still think I see her everywhere. :( Today, I thought I saw her at a fast-food place when I was getting myself an early dinner. Sometimes I think I see her at Target. Her favorite character was Dora the Explorer. It seems like I come across Dora things more than ever these days. It just so wrong. I have a picture of this sweet baby and myself up on a bulletin board in my bedroom, where its been for about 4 years now. I wonder what she is doing in Heaven righ tnow?
There just should not be such things as small coffins.
Upate July 09: I still think I see her everywhere. :( Today, I thought I saw her at a fast-food place when I was getting myself an early dinner. Sometimes I think I see her at Target. Her favorite character was Dora the Explorer. It seems like I come across Dora things more than ever these days. It just so wrong. I have a picture of this sweet baby and myself up on a bulletin board in my bedroom, where its been for about 4 years now. I wonder what she is doing in Heaven righ tnow?
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