I Am Getting Baptized

This Sunday morning I'm getting baptized.
You know, the kind where you get dunked in a pool of water in front of a bunch of people. I'm kind of nervous about it.
Why am I nervous? Because I go to one of those giant mega-churches with giant screens up front and thousands of members will be watching. Because I am extraordinarily shy. Because I have to be there are EIGHT A.M. and by the time the baptism rolls around, I may be in a sleepy coma, since this is the Sunday after we roll the clocks forward. (Is it even going to be LIGHT out? j/k) Because every participant being baptized had to be interviewed and videotaped giving our testimony a couple weeks ago, with the tape being shown during the service, and I do NOT want my face up on aforementioned giant screens. I'm hoping that my interview was so lousy that they will either 1)leave mine out or 2)just give me a very brief voice over with a nice picture of lovely stream or ocean or something, and not show my face. Seriously. I do NOT want my face up there. Because we're supposed to invite "lots" of friends and family to come to the service with us, and I have neither. Unless you count my four big dogs, but I would imagine that even our casually-inclined church would frown upon my dogs, who love the water, joining me up in the baptistry.
So. Yah. Nerves are high. Confidence is low. Why am I even doing this?
Because of obedience. Because I want a closer relationship with God. Because if God says I can have something, I WANT IT. Ever since I signed up to do this I have been one big bundle of nerves and the closer it gets the more nervous I get. Honestly, I can't wait til its over. Actually, I sort of can't wait to be there AT THAT MOMENT. I am hoping God will bless me. Heal me in some way. Do something big in me that only He can. That would be really cool. But mostly I am doing it for God, because He put the desire for it in me a couple months ago, and then He made a way for it to happen (with this special baptism service at church this Sunday) so I figure that He must have something up His sleeve.

Who do you protect? Who do you project?

Was thinking about this the other day...about the inside me and the outside me. How over the years I've gone through stages where the inner me was quite different from the outer me. The one inside who I protected, hid away from me, was so different from the outside me, the one I presented to the world, that the two probably wouldn't have even recognized each other had they met on the street! Especially during teenage years, when I wanted to be accepted by my peers, when I put on makeup and tried to wear the "right " clothes, and then again when I was starting my teaching career, and wore what I thought a "Real Teacher" would wear, read what I thought Real Teachers wore, and talked about what I thought Real Teachers talked about. And it even went beyond that: I kept the real, deep, secret parts of me hidden (things I did wrong, everything about me I considered was sub-standard, not good enough, was ugly) because I wanted to be a Real Person.

Throughout my life, through people I had met, and their actions against me, things people had said and done, had me convinced, that I was not good, that I was a nobody. I therefore concluded I was not a Real Person... on the inside. But on the outside, I did everything I could think of to BE a Real Person, even though I wasn't. I tried to wear makeup, I tried to say the right things, I tried to be there for everyone, I was intelligent and well-read. But inside, I hid my shyness and fears and rejected side. My self-esteem was rock-bottom sometimes. But that is not what I projected. On the outside, I was a popular teacher that all the students loved. Parents requested that their children be put in my class. In fact, my class was a blast, where hurting children were loved and healed. By the outside me. The inside me though, stayed hidden.

The one I protected, and the one I projected, were so far apart. And, I figured, never the two sides shall meet. And that was fine.by.me.
And then.
It started causing me too many problems. I realized that while it may not be hurting others, it was hurting .... ME. And even hurting God.
God created me. He created me for a reason. With a purpose. He created me inside and out.
God searches me and even knows my heart. He knows everything I am ever going to think or say. And God loves the truth, because he IS Truth. He didn't create me to be a false person. He created me to be ME. He created my personality. He didn't create me to put on an act or a show.

It was last year when I started realizing that, when I wanted to correct that disparity between the inside me and the outside me, that things actually started to come closer together. The one I protected and the one I projected started to become one.

First, I started by becoming more concerned about what God thinks of me than what people think of me. And by the way, God thinks I'm wonderful (Psalm 139:14), He thinks I'm precious, and I'm the apple of His eye. People are fickle--their opinions, sadly, can change in the blink of an eye, as I've witnessed too many times to count. But God is not a man that He should lie. God will never change. He is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow. (Those are all in the Bible too, though I lack the Scripture references right now.) He will ALWAYS think I'm wonderful, no matter what. That's something pretty cool. Even if I screw up royally (which I sometimes do), its good to know that God loves me unconditionally and without reproach. He will ALWAYS lovingly accept me back into His huge, comforting arms.

Second, I started making my insides match my outsides. I got my thought life turned around. Books and tapes by Joyce Meyer and Beth Moore helped a LOT, like Battlefield of the Mind & Me and My Big Mouth by Joyce, and Get Yourself Out of That Pit by Beth totally turned my world around. I started reading Proverbs, which has little nuggets of wisdom on how to live a better life. I will only touch on this briefly & will make another post about it-- but I realized the Bible is filled with promises God makes, that basically say, "If you will do X, I will do Y for you". So I started doing X's, and God started doing Y's.... and WOW it works!! You can always count on God to come through for you. You will NEVER be disappointed if you count on God. He is not like people. Thank goodness, because at the beginning of 2008 I had had enough with people.

Third, (thirdly? I never taught anything past 2nd grade even when I subbed... my grammar can be really lousy, sorry)... Third/ly, I have made it one of my goals to make the inside me and the outside me not just know one another, but to be best friends ;) . How? I got rid of some things. Something didn't match up to the Real Me (the me God wants me to be, not that fake Real Person I thought I had to be to be accepted).... then I dropped it...or am in the process of dropping it. Some clothes got given away. Some websites I used to visit frequently...don't go there anymore, because they have lots of negative/ gossipy people... people I used to want SO badly to be "friends" with...now I realize, those people were NOT my friends. I pick and choose my friends more carefully now. Got rid of a bunch of books and magazines on subjects that I no longer need in my house. Gave some things away. Stuff like that. I pick and choose NEW things more carefully--I ask myself-- is this something that is going to edify my life? Will this build me or or tear me down? Is this life affirming? Anyway, I think you get the point.

By the way, everything I said that God thinks of ME, He thinks of YOU, too.
So who do you protect? Who do you project? How far apart are your inside and outside? How can you bring them closer together?

Freedom

Tonight I was looking back at the beginnings of this blog.
I started it in early September of last year, when I was still teaching.
And a little bit of a WOW at myself and a lot of WOW at God.
Because I have changed so much even since then.
Even in September and October I was so lonely and hurt and wanting someplace to belong. Still seaching for something or someone to fill me and make me better.
No longer am I in that place and I feel so much better.
There is of course, still an ache inside because of things that happened. My heart has a pain in it that I think about every day, that I pray every day for God to take it away. And of course I would enjoy being liked and accepted. But it is not necessary. I don't NEED to be liked by others, because I no longer worry about what other people think. I do not NEED to belong anywhere. And I have places where I am liked and accepted. When I started liking and accepting myself, people started liking and accepting me. Go figure that one! I have people who want to be friends. In fact, my phone even rang just a couple days ago with an offer to go out to lunch with 2 people who want to be friends with me. And I am comfortable with myself. Not that I don't have my ugly/fat moments but they are just moments, not all day knock-down-drag-outs with the mirror anymore. And if I get in a really bad mood, I just have a come-t0-Jesus-meeting with myself and get things straightened out inside so my whole day isn't ruined.
How completely weird is that?
Thank you thank you thank you,God.
Now I am in such a place that I can offer help and hope to others.
How can that even be? Except to say that God is good.
I have a lot to work on. I have a LOOOOOONG way to go. But as Joyce Meyer says, I might not be where I need to be, but thank God, I'm not where I used to be.

Nostalgia

Have you ever moved on from something and worked hard to get past it, or even enjoyed getting over it, but then... come up to something that brings back old, nostalgic memories that make you want it back more than anything? I have been having that experience for a few days. My husband and I just got back from a 5 day trip to Orlando, where we spent several days at all 4 Disney parks. I grew up there. Literally. My 1st visit to Disney World was at age 2 with my parents. Growing up in Florida, I had the advantage of going on class field trips to Epcot and Disney as well. Then we abruptly moved, because we were always moving. The last time I was there was in 1999. Visiting this time as an adult, I could almost see the ghosts of past Me's still running around. Toddler Me. Child Me. Teenage Me running around the park with friends. Young Adult me with my husband when we were 1st married.
It made me want to go back to each of those people I used to be and gather them up and talk to them. Change choices that I made back then that made my life so difficult. I wish I could go back and change so many things and not have to go through so many of the difficult experiences I had as a child, teenager, and young adult. If I could just go to Disney and find all those old me's, gather them up, and fix them.
It also made me lonely for all those old friends I used to run around Disney World with. Right now I am in the v-e-r-y s-l-o-w process of making a few friendships with some good women. But it takes time. For me, a long time. And I miss so much a certain core group of friends I had as a young teenager. There were 4 or 5 of us in our Gifted Class who stuck together for several years: Melody, Kristen, Kari, Audra, Nicola, and myself. I still miss them so much. And there is another group of friends that I had for a very short time who are all gone now too: Wendy, Katie, Cameryn, and Ashley, who were wonderful best friends but came through my life like brilliant shooting stars, amazing but so short-lived that I can barely even remember the things we did together.
I'm so glad that Mickey Mouse is always the same. I love Disney World and Epcot. They do, in fact, get better every trip there.

Belonging

Tonight I am not very eloquent. I just need to talk.I wish I had a place where I felt like I belonged. I feel it all the time, this longing to fit in somewhere... a place where I am welcomed, known, accepted. Once upon a time years ago I was part of several online bulletin boards where I was rather popular and had quite a few online friends. Many of us stayed up late chatting, goofing off together. Those were good days. I miss them. But because of changes in my life and my heart, I've found that I've had to leave those places behind, either because the people I loved there were no longer there or because I needed to leave out of obedience to God. This year has been a refining year for me. I've felt like God has called me out of a lot of places that were not good for me. Well, places that He thought were not good for me... even if I thought they were. But I know he has his reasons. As a result, I've been more on my own this year. More lonely. It's not always a bad thing-- to have more time between God and I is a good thing. But there are times when I spend time on the internet searching for people I might be able to talk to. I keep trying to find forums for Christian women, Bible studies, artsy forums, people who love Joyce Meyer, Beth Moore fans, people in recovery who are not wallowing in self-pity.... ANYTHING. I want so much to feel like I belong somewhere again.

Blessings today!

I'm SO relieved because I went to my new school today to move all my heavy boxes in and when I was there I met some of the teachers. I met the pre-K teacher who my kids will have some inclusion time , and she was SO nice and SO sweet! I think it will be easy to work with her-- she's a doll. I also met some of the upper grade teachers and they said they were glad to have my class there! I met the kindergarten teacher who is next door to me, and she seems really nice too! I also met the school nurse and the head custrodian, and they were very kind (I'm sorta not used to that )
The teachers in my hallway at my old school were nice, and I am going to miss them, but I am really glad I have new people waiting for me to work with at my new school. Hopefully the rest of the kindergarten teachers will be just as nice. I am starting to feel a LITTLE better about moving schools.